Apologies again for the blank post earlier. Please let me know if this or anything similar happens again!
Over the weekend, I made the mistake of making accidental eye contact with the chick working at one of those makeup kiosks at the mall. Here’s roughly what went down…
KIOSK CHICK:
You have beautiful skin!
JULIE:
Um… thanks…
[JULIE tries to keep walking]
KIOSK CHICK:
Do you have a couple minutes?
JULIE [with a sigh]:
Sure.
[KIOSK CHICK pulls out a chair for JULIE to sit in. When JULIE sits down, KIOSK CHICK stands directly in front of her, close enough to making a swift exit very difficult]
KIOSK CHICK:
My name is Kiosk Chick (ed note: I’m pretty sure this probably wasn’t her actual name, but I can’t remember what it really was, so this works). What’s yours?
JULIE:
Julie.
KIOSK CHICK:
Well, Julie, what kind of makeup are you using right now?
JULIE:
I think it’s called Annabelle. I got it at Shoppers.
KIOSK CHICK:
Okay, Julie, I’m going to show you what natural minerals can do for you. [KIOSK CHICK starts removing makeup from the right side of JULIE’S face] Wow, your skin is flawless! Not a single wrinkle or pore! (ed note: bullshit) But then, you’re only, what, 20? (ed note: also bullshit)
JULIE:
Heh. No. A little older.
KIOSK CHICK:
21? 22?
JULIE:
Aww. You’re sweet. I’m almost 28.
KIOSK CHICK [starting to apply a moisturizer to JULIE’S face]:
Really?!??!! I wouldn’t have known. So, Julie, are you married, or happy?
JULIE:
Um… happy…?
KIOSK CHICK:
Any kids?
JULIE:
Nope.
KIOSK CHICK:
Well that’s why your skin is so good, Julie! Men and kids are what causes wrinkles, AMIRIGHT?
[JULIE smiles awkwardly, unsure what to say]
KIOSK CHICK:
Now, Julie, I’m going to use a shade called latte on you. It’s a little darker and more tan than the makeup you’re currently using that’s making you grey. Notice that I’m just brushing it on in large circles. Are you a student, Julie, or are you working?
JULIE:
Working.
KIOSK CHICK:
Working hard, I can see, from these dark circles!
JULIE:
They’re just always dark like that.
KIOSK CHICK:
Well, we’ll cover them right up! And these red blemishes, too. What are you doing tonight, Julie?
JULIE:
One of my friends is coming to visit.
KIOSK CHICK:
OooooOOOoooOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooh! A SPECIAL friend?!
(ed note: ugh)
JULIE:
Well, I think she’s special… but not in the way you mean.
KIOSK CHICK:
I just assumed that if you weren’t married but you were happy, you must have a boyfriend! So now, Julie, instead of giving you a blush like the pink one you were wearing that doesn’t do anything for you, I’m going to use this one that’s more of a bronzer. It will just brighten all of this up.
JULIE:
Sounds good.
KIOSK CHICK:
Do you want to see the finished product? Are you ready, Julie?
JULIE:
Sure.
[KIOSK CHICK hands JULIE a mirror, where JULIE sees that she looks mostly like she did before]
KIOSK CHICK:
Well??!! What do you think???!! Do you like it?
JULIE:
Yeah.
KIOSK CHICK:
DO YOU LOVE IT, JULIE?!??!?!?!!!
JULIE:
Erm…
KIOSK CHICK:
What kind of moisturizer are you using, Julie?
JULIE:
Whatever’s on sale at Shoppers, usually. Right now I think it’s Nivea…?
KIOSK CHICK:
And you pay what for that? About $35?
JULIE:
No way. Under 10.
KIOSK CHICK:
And your makeup, Julie? How much for that?
JULIE:
Also under 10. I think it’s 7 or 8 probably?
KIOSK CHICK:
Do you have your own brushes?
JULIE:
Yep.
KIOSK CHICK:
Natural or synthetic?
JULIE:
Natural.
[KIOSK CHICK lines up a teeny tiny tub of moisturizer, an equally teeny tiny tub of mineral foundation, an even teeny tinier tub of the blush, and a foundation brush]
KIOSK CHICK:
Okay, Julie. Since you’re getting the moisturizer and the foundation, I’ll give you the blush for free. I was going to give you a brush, too, but since you said you already have one…
JULIE:
Well, wait. How much is it?
KIOSK CHICK:
The moisturizer is $95, and the foundation is $120.
JULIE [tries to stand]:
Oh, wow. I don’t think I’m interested.
KIOSK CHICK:
What’s your concern, Julie?
(ed note: how about the fact that I’m not insane?)
JULIE:
It’s just way over my budget.
KIOSK CHICK:
Okay, Julie. Instead of giving you the blush and the brush, how about I give you the foundation for the price of the blush. That’s $60.
JULIE (moving away):
I really can’t. But thanks so much for your help.
KIOSK CHICK:
But it’s a way better value than the makeup you’re using now that’s not doing anything for you. It’s why you’re breaking out.
JULIE:
If you have an information packet or something, I’m happy to take that and think it over, but I’m really not comfortable with spending that much on a whim.
KIOSK CHICK [snottily]:
We don’t have any information sheets.
JULIE [with a shit-eating grin]:
Then you also don’t have my money. Thanks again for all your help!
[JULIE walks away]
Now, as a former student of rhetoric (and total nerd), a few things about this exchange are really interesting to me. First off, notice how many times she says my name to try to make me feel like she really knows me. She gets me. We’re friends. You might think I’m exaggerating, but she definitely said my name that often. I know this, because after just a few seconds sitting there, I had the near-overwhelming urge to shout, “that’s my name – don’t wear it out!”
Notice, too, how she tries to lure me in with compliments, and then later “subtly” insults my appearance, offering the product she’s hocking as the solution. Classic manipulation moves. Luckily, I’ve been trained well on how to deal with such situations.
Back when I was still in high school, my parents and I got a free ski vacation in Collingwood… provided that we attended a “brief” information session about a timeshare. It was there that I learned Dave Palmer’s Top Three Tips for Dealing with High-Pressure Sales Situations
- Be nice. Overly so, if possible.
As soon as you lose your temper, you lose some of your power as well. Keep your cool and don’t say anything you’ll feel bad about later. Plus, how passive-aggressively satisfying is it to be uber-nice to someone when it only annoys them? - Ask for time to think.
In general, any deal that has to be made RIGHTTHISSECOND isn’t one that you want. It’s likely that given time to think, you’ll find flaw with what’s being offered – and that whoever’s making you the offer knows this. - Don’t be swayed by sudden discounts.
Notice in the conversation above how even a minor expression of doubt cut the price in half? Pretty fishy, right? It seems likely to me that the product was way over-priced at $120, and probably still is at $60.
And let’s not forget Dave’s golden rule: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
When I got into my car later that afternoon (after completing the rest of my errands, mind you) I flipped down the visor to check out her handiwork. I was shocked to see streaks of orange. I guess the dim lighting in the mall covered up the fact that the entire right side of my face had been Snookified.
So, needless to say, I’ll be sticking with the drug store foundation that makes me grey and blemished. Take that, Kiosk Chick!
